THE FOLLOWING STORY WAS NOT WRITTEN BY THE NON-RUSSIAN, BUT SHE DOES FIND IT QUITE AMUSING AND THUS WANTED TO SHARE IT WITH ANY OF YOU WHO ARE THINKING ABOUT DATING A KOREAN MAN IN KOREA.
By: Sarah Johnson
Laura and KKT first met at NB in Apgujeong. Their meeting was a passionate affair involving pronunciations of love in mangled Korean/English and a near absurd amount of hand holding. It seemed clear from the very start as KKT drew pictures of himself and Laura surrounded by a heart in her day planner that this was emphatically not the stuffs of one night stands.
Their relationship lasted a total of three weeks during which they met twice and exchange regular text messages and phone calls (3, 4, 5 a day…). During this time Laura would come to work each day with stories of KKT serenading her over the phone or nearly indecipherable text messages generated from online translators: next time meet? Rice eating? Motion picture watching? Together playing, wonderful day! On their first date they saw Munich and as they sat with no words he held her hand to his heart. It was bizarre and heartwarming, here stories seemingly too both strange and wonderful to be true.
For their second date the two planned a meeting of friends of previously agreed upon heights (being 5’1’’ I just made the cut). Having decided long ago that I was done making awkward conversation with Koreans lacking in English abilities, I was hesitant, but a call from KKT and some over the phone singing convinced me that for Laura’s sake and my own I had to meet this man. And so on a blustery February night for intrepid American girls, all over 5’ tall, embarked on a quadruple date.
KKT turned out to be a smallish man with what can only be described as a flowing man of hair and a penchant for singing, dancing, and playing with his food. From the subway he ushered us into a Sam Gyeop Sal restaurant (because nothing says love like 3 layer pork fat) where we found ourselves sitting across from some of the less than promising Korean men I’ve ever met. While Laura and KKT exchanged loving gazes, we on the other side of the table struggled through the most awkward conversations.
Rachel (In Korean): Housewife?
Friend 1 (In English, with look of horror): NO!
Friend 2 (In English, triumphantly): I…LOVE SOJU!
Friend 1 (In Korean): bugs…
Me (In Korean): mosquitoes?
Liz (In English): exterminator!
Friend 2 (In English): I…LOVE SOJU!
Friend 3 (In English, referring to Friend 2): He…used car, selling.
Meanwhile, KKT refocused his attention to our tallest friend Liz and began, through the most fluent in English of his friends, to pitch her a movie idea (for he was a dubiously self-proclaimed movie director) I which she would star as a deaf-mute American woman who comes to Korea and finds love with a Korean man. My subsequent offer, however, to star as their half-Korean, half-American love child (preferably wearing a Hanbok and perched on top of an asininely large pile of fruit) was not appreciated, clearly dissonant with KKT’s less jocular cinematic vision.
When the evening was over we all gathered outside under freshly falling snow and, flashing obligatory peace signs, took pictures. KKT promised to send them to Laura the next day.
Sadly, the pictures never came. KKT dropped off calling and the short-lived relationship came to an anticlimactic end. Still upset over my exclusion from his upcoming blockbuster film, and skeptical of any relationship involving people who fundamentally cannot communication, I did not mourn the end of the relationship. Perhaps he was Laura’s first Korean love. Perhaps he was a liar with questionable mental maturity. Either way, when we saw him again as NB a month later he did not say hello. Perhaps it was the sunglasses he was wearing indoors, or the cigarette on which he was intently focused, but no amount of walking in his direct line of vision could provoke a greeting.
In the end, Laura redirected her search for Korean couple bliss and its attendant joys (matching shirts! Couple sets at western restaurants!) and I continued on, slightly gratified that where love falters as an international language (capable of transcending seeming impenetrable cultural and linguistic boundaries), ‘awkwardness’ remains something that we all, Korean, American, or whatever, can understand.
Quite hilarious, isn't it? And sadly, very similar to the stories the Non-Russian has heard from other foreigners about their dating experiences. Not the Non-Russian wants to make clear that the she in no way has any negative feelings to Korean men, nor is she bitter because of bad experiences with the Korean dating scene; She simply wants to offer her wisdom and advice to anyone whose interested in a little Korean love and make them well aware of what they’re getting themselves into.
Now quite honestly, Korean men are in fact men just like any other men from any country. They generally have the same feelings, desires, and behaviors. However there are some slight alterations due to the cultural differences and the Korean way of thinking. Here is the Non-Russian’s advice for finding and having the best possible relationship with a Korean man.
1. She suggests choosing a man who has either lived abroad or has close foreign friends. Eastern and western thinking and behaviors are in fact very different. By finding someone who has lived abroad or has foreign friends, they are more likely to be comfortable with western style and understand your behaviors that other Koreans may find strange or offensive. Trust me in makes everything much easier.
2. If you happen to choose someone who doesn’t meet the above criteria you must be prepared to change who you are. Koreans are very proud of being Korean and therefore are generally not willing to change their eastern culture to match your ‘western-ness’. Therefore, if you want to have a long and meaningful relationship you will have to attempt to morph into a Korean girl to the best of your abilities. This means changing from the typical loud and somewhat abrasive foreigner to the quieter and reserved Korean girl. You will find that it is well-known that Korean girls have someone of a fox-style behavior. They are a little mysterious and never put it all out on the table and it is best you try to be a fox as well.
A. If you are a smoker, you will have to either quit, hide it the way you had to hid it from your parents when you were in high school, or limit your smoking to the occasional cigarette when drinking.
B. You must never reveal your true drinking ability. If you can down a bottle of soju in thirty seconds, it’s best you keep this information to yourself and instead insist that after a couple of shots of soju you’re already starting to get a little drunk.
C. Korean people are very concerned and put a lot of their focus on their appearance. If you’re dating what the Non-Russian calls ‘a REAL Korean’ man, you will need to make sure you almost always look like you’ve just stepped out of a fashion magazine. This means perfect makeup, perfect hair, and perfect clothes. You must try to avoid the comfortable t-shirt, sweatpants, and sneakers look. To add to that there are some rules you should probably follow when choosing your clothing. Except in Itaewon, you will never see a Korean girl wearing a low-cut top (the Non-Russian has a theory about this and it has nothing to do with keeping the traditional Korean modesty). So you need to avoid those shirts that show off the “girls” and shoulder bearing tops. As for your bottoms choice, there really aren’t any rules. You can get away with wearing a skirt that just barely covers your ass. The Non-Russian has seen many a Korean girls wearing skirts that she is puzzled by how their cheeks aren’t showing. When it comes to shoes, just make sure they look new. If they have scuff marks that you can’t erase or if they’ve come to point where they’re decorated with the non-washable dirt, then toss them and buy some new ones. You want to look perfect from head to toe. One more piece of advice about your appearance that will make your ‘REAL Korean Man’ happier and more comfortable with his foreign girl, is to think about changing to a more Korean hairstyle. The Non-Russian herself has been receiving pressure from the boyfriend for months to get bangs, and he refuses to accept the fact that she believes people with small heads and actually people over the age of 10 should not have these heavy bangs that have become the style in Korea. The hair really isn’t that important, but it is something to think about. These tips may seem a little silly and insignificant, but because Koreans care a great deal about their appearance, the Non-Russian found it necessary to include these tips.
D. If you can’t speak Korean, then find someone who has a least some fluency in English. At first it may seem exciting to play cerades with each other and be extremely dependent on your dictionaries, but that excitement quickly changes to tediousness. Meaningful conversation and understanding is obviously important in any relationship. It becomes annoying and frustrating when you can’t express your real mind or feelings and when your significant other struggles with the same problem. Plus, when meeting with his friends you will find yourself constantly staring off into space and daydreaming while they talk and laugh with one another and you are without a translator. So if you pick someone who lacks in English ability, you better start studying Korean. The Non-Russian actually believes any foreigners planning to stay in Korea for a significant amount of time should learn Korean, but it is a difficult language and you will find that if your pronunciation is not close to perfect, most Koreans will just look at you with a confused expression after you’ve rambled off some Korean words. The Non-Russian actually has a theory about why most Koreans cannot understand foreigners’ attempts at speaking their language, but this is something she will discuss in a later post.
E. Having a relationship with a Korean man is almost like having a job. Many Korean men expect their women to keep them updated about what they are doing at all times. They will want you to send messages or call to report what you are doing, who you are with, when you are going home, what you are eating, what clothes you’re wearing, etc. You become somewhat like their property and they are very concerned about you and your well-being. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, but many foreigners struggle with it because it is so different from the kind of relationship behavior they are use to.
F. Be prepared to become as cute as a kitten with a ball of yarn. The Non-Russian finds it a little creepy and tad bit pedophilic but Korean men have somewhat of an obsessive for ‘cute’ girls. They adore childlike behavior. The constant calling them 오빠 in the sweetest little girl voice or being shy and giggly towards them. They love when you offer them bites of your food while at the same time having a charming smile and doe eyes. Korean men want to take care of you, so you have to pretend like you are independent on them. After drinking your two or three shots of soju and convincing him that is your limit, you should insist you are a little drunk and need to sleep on his shoulder or that he needs to take care of you. Or when carrying something, almost in a whining voice tell him that it’s so heavy and you need his help. This falls into the fox-style behavior mentioned earlier. Many foreigners are uncomfortable with this because we’re comfortable being strong and independent WOMEN and find those ‘cute’ girls to be somewhat annoying, but having these kinds of behaviors is appealing to most Korean men and is growing in popularity with foreign men as well.
G. You should treat your Korean man like he is a king and the only male in your life that has any importance. Follow him. When he tells you to do something or offers advice, as long as it’s within reason, do it. If you have any male friends, seriously limit your contact with them. Your Korean man wants to feel like the center of your universe. Although Korea is changing, it is a male-dominated society. Men are viewed as more important than women. You have to accept this and try to alter your behaviors to follow this thinking.
H. The Non-Russian’s final piece of advice is to consider where you meet your Korean man. Meeting a man at a niteclub or a real club generally will not give you a very promising relationship. Many people go to these places just to have fun and perhaps find someone to enjoy a one night stand with. Therefore, remember Laura from the story above; just because you have what appears to be a passionate and romantic meeting with your club guy, doesn’t mean it’s going to continue into a serious and meaningful relationship. Now, this of course isn’t always true, but take the Non-Russian’s advice and be cautious.
The Non-Russian is not saying that you have to follow all of her advice or that every Korean man is going to expect you to do these things. This is just some knowledge she’s gained from her own experience as well as the experience other foreigners have shared with her. There are some Koreans who will accept you for the westernized person you are and be content with your style. However, if you fall for a man who doesn’t feel this way, following the Non-Russian’s tips will improve your chances of having a successful relationship. If anyone out there has any more advice, please share it.
